80 tokes observations. The art of study – or what do we really learn by feeding drugs to spiders? Or naughty Mr ‘Scientist’…..tee hee
Some would argue that feeding drugs to spiders is a waste of good drugs. Others say that the lessons we can learn from doing these experiments gives us valuable insight in to our own behaviour. Most just agree it appears that many scientists have far too much time on their hands and are a bit twisted anyway (who decided that we really needed to know that ants can survive a five minute spin in a microwave, or that baboons prefer whisky to beer or if you argue with a dolphin it’ll never forgive you?). Putting the particular motivations of individuals aside what do we really learn from feeding drugs to spiders?
The first point to make is you should choose your spider wisely. It’s probably best not to choose a spider that is big and hairy, one that can run faster than you can or one that could kill you with a single bite. In addition avoid spiders that look at you in an odd way, don’t smile or have a general air of menace, nothing specific that you could put your finger on but give you the willies when they enter the room (think priest at a kids party or a Tory, any Tory).
Next make sure the environment is right. Have plenty of munchies available, some comfortable cushions, good quality video equipment and lot’s of good tunes. None of this is needed for the bloody spider but will make the whole experience a much nicer one for the observers.
Finally don’t be tempted to have a bit of the cannabis, speed, coke, acid, heroin, E, MDMA, crystal meth, booze, cosmic kelly, crack, donkey dust, freebase, ganja, glue, hash, herb, ice, ket, kat, kit, kot, kut, caps, shrooms, mexy, mixy, morphy, midge, poppers, uppers, downers, all-rounders, pills, potions, puff, purple nurple, rainbows, randoms, resin, rollies, rumbles, skag, skunk, snow, stars, syrup, tnt, blasters, bloomers, auntie mables mini monsters, toot, froot, loot, cute, trip, flip, dip, kip, vits, slits, wits, whites, flights, bugs, nips, zallaps, flabbies, the miggins pies or cup ‘o’ t that you intend to use on the spider. It can be difficult to focus on the spider when you’re also tripping your nuts off. It is also clear that in 99% of cases this rule is broken and the observer WILL drop a tab or smoke a toke as things get going. This is why spiders are used so often as they tend not to be judgemental and actually perform much better in a crowd of fellow mess heads.
Having read seven indepth studies, personally performed hundreds more and mashed many drugs with his pet spider Mashed Crab can now bring you the definitve conclusions that can be drawn from this spider madness (and add a warning or two to keep you safe). First of all the warnings. If you find yourself engaging the spider in conversation you have definitely dropped too much acid, and so has the spider for that matter. Politely ask the spider to ‘give you a minute’, leave the room and lose the plot quietly in a field somewhere. Better still try and persuade the spider to pop out and go and find a field to lose the plot in. This will take you around nine hours and by the time you realise the futility of the situation you’ll be sober……..maybe. The other main warning concerns trying to justify what you’ve just done to anyone else who isn’t already mashed. Only completely mashed people and spiders will really get it so make sure that everyone you ever interact with is permanently stoned, high, tripping or otherwise messed up. This is also a good way to be generally so just get out there and share the love.
Now for the deep insights Mashed Crab can bring you having toiled for days on this. Some of this will come as a complete surprise, but only if you’ve spent your entire life living inside a small wooden box near the border town of Kuloofid on the planet Pookie. That, or you’re just one of those self righteous Daily bleeding Mail readers who hasn’t had a self generated thought since you were last sitting on a potty flicking shit at the door. Or, of course, if you’re a spider that has just spent two days with the Mashed Crab doing bucket loads of drugs because at this point still being alive is a complete surprise and you must remember to check out the Clangers once again when you get back to the web.
Conclusion ONE: Being stoned is nice.
Conclusion TWO: Tripping is also nice.
Conclusion THREE: Watching a spider who is stoned whilst stoned is really nice.
Conclusion FOUR: You get a lot more done when you’re speeding your tits off.
Conclusion FIVE: Mixing acid, spliff, E and speed can be a bit hairy.
Conclusion SIX: Spiders will have a go at spinning a web whilst wasted. People don’t spin webs.
Conclusion SEVEN: Feeding drugs to spiders does prove you have too much time on your hands.
Conclusion EIGHT: Stranger things DON’T happen at sea, trust me.
Conclusion NINE: On acid you can become best friends with a spider.
Conclusion TEN: Spiders will often sneak a cheeky extra line in when your back is turned.
Conclusion ELEVEN: Spider, spider, drugs, drugs, spider, drugs, spider, don’t try and write up your thesis whilst still on acid, spider, drugs, spider.
Conclusion TWELEVE: Spiders are great company when you’re eyes are the size of saucers and you’re gurning like a monkey.
Conclusion THIRTEEN: You don’t really learn anything you didn’t already know by getting a few random spiders fucked up. But it is better than putting ants in the microwave as that doesn’t give you an excuse to smoke a fat one.
Conclusion FOURTEEN: Leave the poor bloody spider alone, Mr ‘Scientist’. If you need to road test some acid or a pill just call me!
Conclusion FIFTEEN: The Clangers are real
So there we have it. Mashed Crab would like to point out that no spiders were harmed during the process and we’ll need some more weed as the tarantula has smoke the lot. Till next time……………..