A black hole and a way to smoke.

Black holes and a way to smoke. Or the ultimate trip!


So Crab fans, let’s take a little journey. Except it’s not a ‘little’ journey at all, at least not in the physical sense, for to make this journey physically we’d need to either break the known laws of physics or get ourselves a very fast space ship. At this point Mashed Crab, owing to an excess of smoke, does not have a very fast space ship (or any space ship at all, to be honest), nor have I found a way to break the known laws of physics (and, to be honest, when we get to the quantum level no real idea what the hell is going on). So what we’ll need is an excess of smoke and a bit of imagination. With those this journey will be easy.

A pp

Ah, I see you’re ready to get on board……….nice, as we’re off to the nearest black hole and rather conveniently there just happens to be a super massive black hole at the centre of our galaxy.


And there it is. Now as we sink deeper into our stoned state let’s imagine we’re there. The Milky Way is a barred spiral galaxy that measures about 100,000 light-years across. The Solar System (and Earth) is located about 25,000 light-years to the galactic center so give yourself a pat on the back for you’ve just travelled 1.46962495 × 1017 miles. I know that’s a well known number and probably didn’t need to be repeated but it is a looooooooooooooooooooong way. Now, take another smoke and get ready to explore the black hole before us.

We’ve suspended the usual rules of engagement with the cosmos but let’s now take the piss. We’ll keep our distance and remain this side of the event horizon. I know for many an event horizon means Friday at 11pm when the clubs open and the pills start to kick in but for a black hole the event horizon is a place you don’t want to cross. For at this point not even light can escape the gravitational pull of the black hole and everything falls in and is gone forever (of course, let’s just ignore Hawking radiation for now because the bits of you that might escape won’t be off to the pub anytime soon and will never again order a pizza). So at our vantage point just outside the event horizon let’s take a big pull on the spliff and blow smoke at the black hole………..

A poop

Wow, flip me nana’s and a top hat to the lady. If I’m not mistaken that feels good. As the smoke falls towards the hole most of it is simply sucked in (with the obvious likelyhood that some will be thrown back in to the universe via Hawking radiation which, as we all know, is black body radiation that is released by a black hole due to quantum effects near the event horizon) and makes a very pretty picture. Worth the trip now, eh? At this point you should feel a bit like this…………..


And if you’re a cat you will feel a bit like this……………


So next time a passing starcruiser offers you a lift to the centre of the galaxy jump on and enjoy (but probably best to leave your cat at home).

‘Til next time Crab fans, unless time is gone!




One comment on “A black hole and a way to smoke.
  1. Pussy Galore says:

    This is one purring, suddenly quite educated, cat here. Saying “Thanks MC!”

    In the words of Yakovbondskiy: nobody does it better…

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