Einstein and e=mc2 – the relative effects on the toker!


Einstein and e=mc2 – the relative effects on the toker!

First the fundamentals, fundamentals and chicken orientals. There’s something in this so listen up, or read up if you’re hard of hearing or listen up if you’ve forgotten your glasses. More to understand but we’ll be gentle and easy on the eye.

Einstein made such a giant leap in human thought, and gave us all such a profound understanding on what it’s all really about, that his work should be read as gospel, not the bleeding bible (written by men who’d clearly had a few tokes and were full of smoke). Einstein wasn’t just ahead of his time he was ahead of time full stop. It’s very likely that without Einstein the world would be waiting at least another two hundred years to discover stuff he gave us one hundred years ago. Like still not having the steam engine, or waiting for bananas or using farts to fly. Yes, he’s THE man.

At it’s most basic Einstein’s equation tells us that there is a lot of energy in mass. And he meant a fuck of a lot. If it was possible to extract the whole of the energy potential from an eighth of hash, just an eighth, we could power a city for a year or two! Impressive. Of course that’s impressive. But why would you allow an eighth to be destroyed when you could smoke it and toke it? You wouldn’t, which is why, in relative terms, it is much safer to smoke a toke than it is to boil a kettle in a vacuum at sea level under normal conditions (discounting the parallax effect and gravity under a balloon, pipette or spatula).

Further, the equation touches on speed and light. (Have you ever wondered why things get done much more quickly when you’re speeding your tits off? Einstein had the answer). Well, Einstein tells us that the fastest thing in the universe is the speed of light, and light is very fast. Instead of laying down rather meaningless figures look at it like this. If you were driving a Ferrari at top speed, say 200 mph, it would take you nearly 39 DAYS to cover the same distance covered by light in ONE SECOND (so make sure you’ve been to the toilet and have had a few tokes before setting off). In other words stay put, smoke a toke and let light just get on with it. Know your battles, lose your wars, smoke your tokes and chill baby, chill.

Further, the equation tells us that travelling at the speed of light is impossible unless:

1. You are a photon of light. Einstein knew this.

2. You’re tripping your nuts off and anything is possible. Einstein knew this too.

3. You’re very stoned, full of smoke, and you fall and forget to hit the ground and find yourself flying. Even then you’re not actually moving at the speed of light but you will be so bloody amazed at your situation that you’ll not be that bothered. Wile E Coyote will be available to assist you if you get back down.

The reason for this, as the equation makes clear, is that the faster you go, the more that you accelerate and the closer you get to the speed of light the more energy you need to make that next bit of speed and also the heavier you get. This is why taking speed makes you feel lighter and gives you the impression that things are getting done. Relativity tells us that whilst your watch tells the time an observer watching you from the sofa will be pissing themselves laughing at your antics and will probably grab a free line or smoke while your distracted by a bison. Keep your friends close and your stash closer. In addition the equation also makes clear that you can’t ever trust the time on someone else’s watch. As a consequence never ask the time nor give it. This is why it’s cool to be late for work (but don’t run this by your boss if you’re stoned when you get to work as he or she will see straight through you and will blame your stoned state rather than the time dilation caused by the mutant galactic cheddar god).

One other thing Einstein taught us, given that the speed of light (in a vacuum or half empty bucket, no mop or little fishes) is fixed and bloody fast (see above, if you’re not to stoned) is that time isn’t an absolute. Time passes at a different pace which is dependent on your speed. Good quality speed will make time pass quickly and if you have some but your mate doesn’t, if he’s got a digital watch on and you rely on the time on a distant clock in the garden then you’ll need to send him into the garden to check the time on the clock. By the time he gets back you’ll still be off your head and it’ll probably be time to have some more. If Einstein was still around it would be time to offer him a line, or a toke or smoke. But remember there would be no point in asking Einstein the time unless he had been with you since you last checked your watch. It’s often wise to smoke a toke to slow things down as time can take it or leave it, thanks. Einstein knew this.

Einstein and e=mc2 - the relative effects on the toker!

Finally, the picture above perfectly illustrates the point Einstein was making. A spliff, as soon as it is burning, needs to be smoked. You’ll put everything else off for now to get on with the toke. As time is relative the time it takes to smoke will be longer as you’ll not be moving whereas everyone else WILL be moving (unless you’ve told them to sit down and smoke a toke, in which case synchronize watches and get ready to go for a walk). This is why one spliff is often never enough. It is why it will always take longer for your dealer to get back to you than you had hoped. It is why a bag of weed never lasts as long as you thought it would. And is it also why Einstein knew a thing or two, perhaps. Toker. toker, he wasn’t a joker as e=mc2

Mashed Crab has run out of time for now, or have you? Check your watch, turn off the light and spark one, smoke it Einstein..………..

Einstein and e=mc2 - the relative effects on the toker!

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