Mashed Crab answers the BIG questions of the day.
So it is time for Mashed Crab to ponder on, and sometimes answer, those BIG questions of our time. From war and peace, to religion and politics, Mashed Crab will bring you a new dimension to some seemingly intractable issues. Of course, of course, he’s not a horse but will send out answers not in morse but will add sauce without force………….maybe.
War and Peace: (with a pictue of two baboons grooming each other).
The world, or rather those pesky humans in the world, continues to move from hissy fit to blowing each other up with remarkable frequency. We seem to have moved from an era where wars were fought over matters of strong principle or were truly defensive to repel an aggressor to one where ‘wars’ are mere parts of political planning or are, more accurately, wars of choice. No real basis for the destruction other than a grab for resources or a chance to show off the weapons that billions of dollars buy. And no need to tell the truth either when you’ve got friends who are high up in the media who will airbrush history quicker than you can say ‘here’s a knighthood my old school chum’ or ‘thanks for that large donation big weapons company and here’s the policy to boost your share price’ discourse. And no real need to bother about the innocents who die because that’s collateral damage and they’re not YOUR people so don’t merit a paragraph in the press today.
Easy solution number one: Make it a universal law that all politicians who order a war, and it is they who bullshit us all to get the army moving, also have to go and fight in that war. Can you really imagine Bush or Bliar, or Netanyahu or Thatcher, or Reagan or Nixon, or on and on………….can you really see any of these billy big bollocks ‘leaders’ ordering the mayhem they did if they also had to get shot at or bombed. For good measure make them take a front line role and see how diplomacy comes back into fashion.
Easy solution number two: Stop making so many bloody weapons.
Easy solution three: As soon as a politician begins to talk about using the army/navy/airforce to blow up other people in a faraway land GET THEM STONED. Do it quickly and go in hard. A few large tokes on a Gold cup winning strain or a bong loaded with some of Morocco’s finest export should do it. See the change in attitude, the wish to love rather than fight and the need to find a fridge and eat. There’s also a chance that they’ll forget all about it and get back to worrying about sheep subsidies and the price of pants.
Now Mashed Crab is completely aware that:
- If one person starts to talk about hearing voices, seeing bright lights in the sky, experiencing ‘miracles’, getting in to bed with 72 virgins or generally babbles on about the earth being just 6000 years old and that people really can come back from the dead then that person is either A. Very stoned or tripping or B. Deranged and needs help.
- If millions of people hear voices, see bright lights in the sky, experience ‘miracles’, think they’ll get into bed with 72 virgins or generally babble on about the earth being just 6000 years old and that people really can come back from the dead then those people are religious.
Weird I know. Simply scale up odd beliefs, thoughts and views and hey presto you’ll avoid the men in white coats and instead will be given deference and presents at Christmas.
Now here’s a little ruse to run by your religious friends to ascertain whether or not they are actually stoned or do hold to ‘faith’ despite the obvious contradictions involved. This works best on christians but will also, with some tweaks and adaptations, work on most of the other religions out there (although it’s probably best to give a wide berth to scientologists as it’s not really a religion and most of the ‘followers’ are actually thirty metre high reptiles from the planet whayheyhooarely………maybe).
So let us begin. Ask your religious mate the following:
‘So, the bible. Is it the word of god?’.
‘Yes’ will come the reply.
‘And is god all knowing, all seeing, the complete package, the real deal, he knows the fucking lot deity?’
‘Yes’ will come the reply.
‘So to be sure, the bible is the word of god and he knows EVERYTHING?’
‘Yes’ will come the reply.
‘So where in the bible does it cover kangeroos, or DNA, or cars, or computers, or other galaxies, or penicillin, or any of the others things that, let’s be honest, are much more useful than burning bushes or virgin births?’
‘Well the bible doesn’t actually cover any of those things’ will come the reply.
‘But if god is ALL knowing how come his knowledge appears to be limited to what was known BY MAN 2000 years ago? He doesn’t seem to have got out much, paid attention to a whole lot of stuff he’s given credit for or managed to drop a hint about the double helix. Doesn’t it strike you as strange? Surely if you had designed a kangaroo, or a duck billed platypus, or knew that it was perfectly possible to fly if only you had a plane, you’d have passed THAT on rather than waffle on about floods, pestilence and hinting at fast food with the loaves and fishes story?’
‘Well pass me that spliff please while I self combust’ will come the reply. A stoned Mashed Crab will oblige.
So that’s religion and war covered. Next time Mashed Crab will bring you his thoughts on the length of string (often not as long as you’d hoped), the price of a cuppa (always more expensive than a bag of nuts) and where you’re pen has gone (never an easy one this, but I’ll give it a try). Skin up, toke down and wobble round and round ‘til next time……………….