Mashed Crab brings you the news – who knew FOUR he’s a jolly good Crab, man, for he’s a jolly good Crab, man, for he’s a jolly good Crab, man and so say all of us…………turbots?
Mashed Crab would just like to point out, before I get on to the serious matter of sharing this with you, that the Lopsided Lobster is a shit! Yes, when Lopsided said to me ‘would you like to go to a party’ I of course was well up for it. What he didn’t say was that the ‘party’ was actually the Tory ‘party’ conference. Not as many drugs (well, just as many drugs actually but the sort used to keep your knees from freezing up), less fun (well, up to a point but there’s been quite a lot of fun) and significantly less chin per square tosser but once I accept an offer I will never back down (which neatly explains why I walk with a bit of a limp, why my dick has a tatoo of Lenin on it and why the queen needs bodyguards).
So what news can I bring you from the early stages of the Tory ‘party’ conference’. Well let’s begin with some eye opening news first.
One of the Tories has defected to another ‘party’. We’ve all been there. You turn up for a ‘party’, soon get the sense that not enough disabled people are being burned alive, that there is plenty of racism but not enough actual slaughter of foreigners and some at the ‘party’ think that starvation of the poor is taking things a bit too far (I know, wooly liberals) and decide that the ‘party’ just isn’t doing it for you. So what to do? Quickly neck as much booze as you can get your hands on and go off to another party of course. You’ll feel much better once you can get down to some blantant racism and foreigner bashing now won’t you?
Mashed Crab can also bring you the news that a member of the government, the Tory government, resigned having been caught sending ‘erotic’ pictures of himself to what he thought was a female Tory activist (the fact that it turned out to be a tabloid sting really doesn’t make any difference to his motivation). Of course the really shocking aspect to this story, from a Tory perspective, is that there was no rent boy involved. It is as important to a Tory as a public school education that any extra-marital sex must either involve lube and a boy or a very expensive hooker (which holds true for all Tories except Thatcher who was allowed to fuck everyone in the country, over and over).
And on the subject of the now deceased evil witch isn’t odd how many people, particularly the wet fart Tories, still hold her in high regard. She was the original, gold plated, baby eating cunt and yet the chinless at the ‘party’ wank openly over her picture. Not a pretty sight. When the news came in that the rancid bitch had finally died the Tories shed a collective tear whilst the rest of the country with functioning brains let out a sigh of relief and purchased that fine track ‘Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch! Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.’
All’s fair in love and war and politics is a dirty game. For the rest of us there’s spliff, booze and a round of 80 tokes. Mashed Crab brought you the news which for now is it……………