Mashed Crab brings you the news – who knew FIVE? Or the truth behind the headlines.
The Bullingdon lead government has introduced screening at the main UK airports to try to lower the threat of Tombola in the country. Speaking on the news last night, heard, watched and digested by your phylum Crustacea Mashed Crab, a chinless tory said
‘We’ve been watching the spread of Tombola in bongo bongo land for the last few months. As long as we thought Tombola was only something that was affecting those bloody foreigners then we didn’t really give a shit. As soon as we got the news that there was a chance that Tombola could effect US then we started to panic. So in order to be seen to be doing SOMETHING we have set up checks at the airports to make sure we are protected against Tombola. So now when jonny foreigner arrives at customs we have a group of officers who mill about looking grumpy and at random times they will cry out ‘two fat ladies, eighty eight’, or ‘on it’s own, number nine’. If a traveller is both obviously foreign and reaches for a booklet with numbers printed on it then we will take them away for further testing. If, on hearing several other numbers the traveller shouts ‘house’ then we will immediately send them back to where they came from as we don’t want them clogging up our NHS with Tombola. Imagine trying to find a private health care provider to work with Tombola sufferers. There’s no bloody profit in mad foreigners so we send them back to infect others of their kind. I know it may seem harsh and cruel but believe me it’s for the best. My mate Private Equity Farquar needs people who are a bit poorly so he can milk the system for billions. Thinking he’ll step forward to treat some Tombola mad immigrant just isn’t on.’
The government also recommends that we surrender our privacy, civil liberties and human rights as that’s the only way we will defeat Tombola. Remembering that it was supposed to be the terrier threat that meant we should give up these rights another tory said ‘Oh piffle, put another poor person on the fire and pass the cavier won’t you be a darling’. Mashed Crab thought ‘cunt’ at this point.
In other news the UDICK party has welcomed the clampdown at airports and have furher recommended that Tombola should be used as an excuse to remove anyone who isn’t a millionaire through birth from the country. Speaking on the news UDICK’s leader Nigel ‘I’m a whitey, I’m a whitey, I’m not a racist but’………….Fartarse said ‘Now the millions of small minded and racist Daily Mail readers can join with me in calling for the complete destruction of everyone who looks a bit different, talks a bit different and have a strange sounding name and aren’t from round here. It’s time for us petty minded thickos to put into place policies that will mean we can live happily as the master aryan race as god intended. And please don’t bring up Hitler because I hate the Germans as much as I hate the Africans, Romanians, French, Polish, Hungarians, Spanish, Finish, Chinese, Japanese, Washerknees, Dutch, Italians…………………………..’. Mashed Crab thought ‘cunt’ at this point too.
Don’t believe the bullshit Crab fans and make your own noise to drown out these fuckers. What they all really need, of course, is…………….
A FAT ONE………………………………