Mashed Crab brings you the news – who knew TWELVE?

Mashed Crab brings you the news – who knew TWELVE? Or stuff, yawns and fuck me, this shit passes for news?

The Mashed Crab has had a long look at the recent news so you don’t have to. Here I bring you the important, the mad, the trivial and the odd…….but can you spot the crab news?

‘Woman of child bearing age gives birth to a human baby’ – you may’ve noticed this story. Yes, that’s right, my auntie Tookituper is has produced a baby human. Apparently pregnant women do eventually, after c 9 months, give birth (which may explain why there are 7 BILLION people on the planet). As a hint this is not news (although auntie Tookituper is 105, only ever took it up the arse and lives in Bournemouth so it might be!).

Mashed Crab brings you the news – who knew TWELVE?

There is a general election in the UK this week. Mashed Crab has kept a very close eye on proceedings, has listened to the various debates and read all of the literature produced by the competing parties (cough cough, bullshit Crab man, cough) and here’s what we know.

Mashed Crab brings you the news – who knew TWELVE?

Only vote for the above fuckers if you also enjoy watching people starve and just love to give tax breaks to owners of several houses and off shore bank accounts.

utfryd

Only vote for the above fucker if you love cheese, have more faith in characters who are made out of clay and fancy five years of nasal spray.

youyif

Only vote for the above fucker if you’ve given up, can’t be arsed, are a bit bored etc etc

popop

Only vote for the above fucker if you’re a bit of a cunt yourself, you’re not racist but…………and are the last person on the planet most people would want to share a pint with.

And yes, there are a number of other fuckers you could give your vote to. Your vote will generally mean nothing will change, the same old policies that make this country a rather nice place to be if you’re in possession of unearned wealth or inherited property piles but a drag if you’re ‘normal’. Do vote, that once every five years experience where you are loaned a pencil and is asked to put a cross on a piece of paper that you then have to hand back…….it all seems a bit of a con really, don’t ya think?

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