Mashed Crab brings you the news – who knew, who really knew?
Mashed Crab would like to share with you some of the weeks news. There have been BIG stories, small stories and jackanories and the usual shit puked up by the Daily Mail. I’ll bring you the issues that influence the world, the country and YOU. I’ll also let you in on a few things that have effected me this week, which I’m sure will put your own troubles into perspective (or perspex depending on the colour of your jib).
1. The UK’s military junta raises the ‘Terrier Alert’. So we heard the news this week that the Bullingdon Club have raised the Terrier Alert in the UK from ‘Have a look in your back yard to make sure there’s no lurking Jack Russells or Patterdales’ to ‘Time to fucking panic at every odd sound or weird look from a stranger, we’re all going to die, we’re all going to die, trust no one and shoot all terriers on sight but don’t worry really, this isn’t meant to scare you but we reckon there are thousands of terriers in Syria and Iraq pissing up the only tree left alive following ten years of bombing and murder and they are coming to get YOU!’.
Mashed Crab asked this panicked citizen his view and he told me that he was now quite literally shitting himself, often three or four times a day, to the point where he was forced to wear nappies, he was that scared by the news. He mentioned that he’d seen a terrier with a stick in its mouth just the others day and was this a sign that he’d be murdered in his bed? He also professed to being a bit confused by the news given that the junta had said that the raising of the terrier alert wasn’t based on any specific intelligence (there is no specific intelligence in the junta) but was more a reaction to the general threat terriers pose to society.
‘Well I’m buggered if I know if should believe them’ said the citizen as he let another shit out that filled his pants.
Mashed Crab appreciates that it’s a lot easier to to make the population do as it’s told when the citizens are scared witless so watch this space for more news of monsters under your bed, demons in your toilet and giant ants in your pants. In the meantime be afraid, be very afraid, of the fucking creeps in government.
2. ‘Thirty members of the same family are murdered by a terrier’ proclaimed the headline in the Daily Mail this week. A shocking storyand one to make your blood run cold. Here is the stroy as told by the Mail………..
’30 members of the same family were found murdered this morning by police in Chelsea. The family, who lived in a £2.5 million house, with a recently finshed basement complete with a swimming pool and gym, library and dishwasher, were well known in the area. The mother of the house was often seen out and about wearing nice clothes and she was very posh. The family, who also owned a nice pad in the country which was worth £1.3 million, drove a number of cars including a Range Rover, a Mercedes and an open topped Mini cooper with a combined value of £120 000. It is believed that the house had an aga, Miele tumble dryer and some top quality wine glasses. It has become apparent that the murder of the family will cause the value of the house to drop, perhaps by as much as 20%, and will have a knock on effect in relation to the value of neighbouring houses. Speaking to our reporter earlier Mrs Fucku I Am Loaded, a neighbour of the family said
‘Typical bloody foreigners. They come over here, take our jobs, eat our children, poison our food and smell a bit and now this! I feel very sorry for myself as I missed a yoga class this morning because of the commotion and we’d been thinking of employing one of the younger boys as a chin as my husband is keen to go to see a football match. Now he’ll just have to watch it on TV. I’m also very upset by the likely fall in the price of my house as I’ve been beating myself off to Zoopla most mornings as the value of my house has risen loads.’
3. Tony Blair says ‘it’s not my fault that Iraq is more fucked than fucked Dad McDaddy at a ‘screw everything that moves’ convention’
Speaking yesterday Tony Blair, the delusional money maker and former human being, tried valiantly to convince himself that all’s fine in his world and that wanking into your own face whilst looking at pictures of yourself whilst screaming ‘me, me, me’ was also normal behaviour. Responding to a question posed by Mashed Crab, in which I asked the lunatic gob shite if he thought the fact that he’d directly assisted in the murder of tens of thousands of innocent people in Iraq, clearly had little or no understanding of the complexities of Iraq or the tribal rivalries there, had lied out of his arse for years and was now generally seen as a money grabbing and dishonest cunt with the self awareness of an amoeba and the moral depth of a pigs cock, if he had even a tiny little bit of guilt and was even a little bit to blame for the continuing destruction of Iraq and the wholesale murder of its citizens?
‘Well look, I make good money now and I deserve it. I pretend to be religious, even swapping my shirt at half time so I could be part of the peodophile priest loving catholic lot, and I make a lot of people laugh. On hearing that I’m Middle East peace envoy most people crack up, they really can’t believe it. While we’re on the subject it was very important for peace that 2ooo Palestinians were mudered recently by my old muckers in Israel. I’m not biased but ‘get in there my bacon hating misfits, just wish I’d been there but I was busy wanking over a picture of Gaddafi.
‘Now coming back to the question of Iraq’ Blair continued ‘it’s got nothing to do with me now. I am convinced that if me and my simpleton Gibbon friend Bushey hadn’t taken the country apart then by now the world would’ve ended. I’m also convinced that smearing jam on your cock and wearing blue knickers will stop global warming, that the tooth fairy lives with santa in my garden and if you get rich then god will forgive you. In fact that last point is gospel as I had a word with jesus just this morning. There I was, sandpapering my bollocks whilst looking at a naked picture of the pope, when who should appear but my mate jez. He told me that if I just denied everything, bought enough influence with Murdoch and kept grinning like a beaver on heat then all would be ok. Now I need to get on. I’ve just banked 2 mil from Kazakhstan’s autocratic president as I’ve given him advice on how to manage his image after the slaughter of unarmed civilians protesting against his regime. I told him “tragic though they were, that should not obscure the enormous progress” his country had made. Don’t you just love money?
Mashed Crab will bring you further news soon. In the meantime feel free to use the Daily Mail as toilet roll as your shit is as good as theirs…………..