Mashed Crab – don’t believe everything you hear or read, or else!
Mashed Crab is a cynical member of the phylum Crustacea. As a decapod of note I’ve a skin much thicker than you humans. In fact my exoskeleton can repel many an untruth and my sideways walking style means I often see things coming well before they arrive. I genuinely feel for you poor, gullible, bi-peds with your trusting nature and generally believing default position. It’s bloody madness! Spend a few weeks crawling around the bottom of the sea and Mashed Crab can tell you……….you won’t trust anything that you can’t eat, beat up or fuck. Simple. If I adopted the attitude of your average human I’d last about a minute, if that. ‘Ah, hello Mr Octopus, and how are you today?’ Wam, bam, gobbled up man. I’m dead and my epitaph is a sharp crap for our 8 legged floater. Not good! So wise up my homo sapien friends. On nearly every level of existence you’ve dispensed with a questioning stance, most of your brain is turned over to the ‘big’ questions such as ‘Shall I eat that?’, ‘Shall I smoke that?’, ‘Shall I fuck that?’ or ‘Shall I have a dump now?’ and for many of you if you try and execute more than one of these at a time you find that you’ve shat yourself whilst shagging a pudding and that your spliff has gone out. Madness I say. A few of the obvious examples of this gullibility have been delivered by the current junta that rules the UK. The Tory government (with, admittedly, some window dressing in the form of those sandal wearing, ‘can’t believe we’re actually sharing power and very sorry for all those promises we made but even you didn’t think we’d ever be in a position to deliver so that’s why we said everyone would get their own big car and free food and all the other shit we said’ Libdems) have come out with some extreme bullshit that, on the whole, has been taken as gospel by millions of you brain dead morons. I give you: ‘We’re all in this together’ which in reality, it turns out, means ‘We’re back! You have no idea how fucking nasty we’ve become during our years in the wilderness and we’re ready to eat babies once again. If you’re unable to donate at least 50 grand, didn’t go to public school, speak with a regional accent, are disabled, poor or just not one of us then YOU ARE FUCKED and we’re coming for you’. ‘Reducing the top rate of tax for millionaires will help everyone’. This is bollocks! ‘It wasn’t really the bankers fault’ which roughly translates as ‘They’re my mates and they need all that money for spliff, coke and hookers, so lay off them. Us in the Bullingdon understand’ ‘Boris Johnson’. ‘Having an Eton education fully prepares one for office’.More accurately ‘Having an Eton education fully prepares one for gaining power, re-organising the country so the rich get richer and when I leave to join the private sector having done this I will gorge myself on the profits I helped create when in power. It’s also the only way I’m ever going to laid by a women who isn’t at least 50% horse by DNA’. ‘There is a god’ – more bollocks. ‘Having a royal family helps strengthen the values of the country’ if taken at face would suggest we should all have a few free houses dotted around the country, won’t actually have to work for a living, will have at least one racist in the family, are German/Greek, get to travel the world in our own ship/plane/train and are, bizzarely, taken seriously despite the fact that we’re first cousins with most of the recent winners of the Grand National.
Now Mashed Crab, having lugged a bit more spliff, would like to lighten the mood somewhat and ask you to ponder some more general examples: ‘Better late than never’…….unless of course this refers to a missile that is heading to your exact location, in which case ‘better never’ more accurately sums up your position. ‘In the wrong place at the wrong time’……..which should, I suspect, be either ‘right place, wrong time’ or ‘wrong place, right time’. Remember, trust noone so don’t take my word for it. ‘A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush’……..unless you need to knock one off, in which case you’ll probably be ok with a view of the two birds in the bush, so get on to it. ‘Religion is the opium of the people’……….unless you can get your hands on some spliff or opium, in which case it’s the drugs that work. ‘Why use a screwdriver when the rain comes in’………..that’s fair enough. ‘Only eat when the crow crys four’……………….should really only be mentioned at night.