Tales from the smoking den. Mashed Crab and the cannabis adventures.

Tales from the smoking den. Mashed Crab and the cannabis adventures.

Tales from the smoking den. Mashed Crab and the cannabis adventures.

Not that the Mashed Crab REALLY enjoyed Breaking Bad or anything, but Mashed Crab DID really enjoy breaking bad. Here is a little homage to Walt and a little cry now that it is over. Picking up on his statement did get me thinking though and brought to mind a smoking adventure that of course involved cannabis. Only fair to share it with you (and perhaps best to be more light hearted now I’ve got that Blair shit off my chest (well, thorax, but you know what I mean if you’ve been paying attention, or a tension, not to mention free gifts in the aisle).

So there we were, your very own Mashed Crab, my best mate Lopsided Lobster and his soon to be wife The Angel Fish, hanging very happily in Morocco. We’d just sat down for a refreshing mint tea when we were approached by a kind man who asked if we were into smoking.

‘Just seen the pope shit in the woods mate’ said Lopsided, handing over some cash and winking like a lobster.

Within ten minutes we had taken delivery of some of Morocco’s finest KIF and were back in the hotel room rolling a fat one. Now me and Lopsided have smoked a bit in our time but the Angel Fish was a very occasional cannabis taker. Now as all of you smoking stalwarts will no doubt know the first few tokes on a Moroccan doobey is one of lifes finer moments. Within five minutes we were all killing ourselves laughing and generally weeping at the hilarity of it all. So happy were we that it took a minute or so for me and Lopsided to realise that the Angel Fish was clearly having a less good time.


This roughly illustrates where she had climbed to.


This roughly illustrates where we had got to.


And this neatly illustrates where she found herself. Mashed, smashed and all beat up.

‘Oh no’, said Lopsided, ‘she’s passed out and looks like she’ll die! What can we do to save her?’

The panic was palpable, the atmosphere you could’ve cut with a boner and the situation in Lopsided’s brain was dire. Step forward the Crab, who recognised the symptoms immediately.

‘She’s having a whitey mate, it’s just a whitey. All we need is some chocolate and some time and she’ll be fine’ I said.

‘Well get to the shops and buy as much as you can!’ said Lopsided as he took the Angel Fish and placed her in the bath (well she is a fish, I thought, and at least Lopsided feels he’s helping). So off to the shop ran I and I bought a shelf full of chocolate delights. I got back to the room and handed the first five bars to Lopsided and checked to make sure the Angel Fish was ok………still in whitey land but still breathing. I turned back to Lopsided to reassure him, only to find that he was gorging on flake and mars bar.

‘What the fuck are you doing?’ I asked as I watched him eat.

‘Eating the chocolate to make it all better’ he replied, ‘how long before it gets to work?’

‘My dear Lopsided, I’ll let you in on the plan. You need to feed the chocolate to Angel Fish as it is her who is currently in the land of the spooned. Your eating the chocolate won’t make a blind bit of difference to her’ I said, now unable to keep a straight face (my face is never straight, as I’m a crab, but you know what I mean, what I mean, will never been seen, or scene and not heard said Thora).

Needless to say while Lopsided fed the Angel Fish I settled down to some more first class smoking, getting cannabis down me like there was no tomorrow. By the time the panic was over and Angel Fish returned to earth and she and Lopsided returned to the room can you guess what I was up to? Can you? Yep, I was sitting around, smoking cannabis, eating chocolate and masterbating.

‘Now THIS might not constitute a plan’ said I, ‘but I think I’ve done my bit for society today’.

At that we got down to some serious smoking and all lived happily in the garden. As I write this we’re thinking it might be time to find a way to eat ourselves home……………until next time kids!


Tales from the smoking den. Mashed Crab and the cannabis adventures will be back before you know it, or you’ll know it when it’s back….

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