The time travellers guide to 80 Tokes – or there and back again with THE CRAB.
It’s a little known fact that time travel is perfectly possible. Just jump on a passing star cruiser, accelerate off into the distant Universe at a pace approaching the speed of light (180 000 miles per second should do it) and pop back to earth in two years. You’ll feel you’ve been away for two years, will have aged two years and will have probably seen some amazing things (do remember to skim a black hole, ooo, er mrs, and to swing by the Crab nebula). But on your return things will be very different. Whilst you are away the earth and everything on it will have aged much more than two years. In fact the earth will have aged around 30 years while you’ve been away, so most of your mates will now be in their 50’s, 60’s or 70’s, your garden will be massively overgrown and Bruce Forsyth may’ve finally retired (although that’s not a given). You’ll probably feel a little freaked out as your ‘normal’ will now be history. Just think how life has changed since the 1970’s and 80’s. We now have the internet, mobile phones, affordable cheese and Around the World in 80 Tokes whereas in the 70’s we had to be content with sexual predators on TV and flared trousers. So just think how things would change by the time you got back.
As the Mashed Crab I am often asked by random time travellers if they can stage their own gathering for a game of 80 Tokes and if so did I know of any problems with that. To avoid being asked the same questions over and over, often by the same bloke two days before he knows he’ll need to ask again on his way from the past to the future, by which time he’s often got another question which may, or may not, be asked on a Tuesday for a game that’s already happened or on a Saturday for a game that’s due to take place three weeks ago on a distant moon, here are a few things to bear in mind for such a gathering:
Don’t assume everyone will travel to and from the past/future at the same rate. There’s nothing more disappointing than setting up 80 Tokes, building the first round of spliffs and getting started, only to find that you’ve popped into the past/future to quickly/slowly and by the time you get back all the others players have either smoked everything and have actually finished the game, have died or have become 7 month old babies and are now eating the board. Set the rules before you start.
Be sure to arrange the meeting at a time that all the travellers are tuned in to. I’ve heard countless stories of time travellers saying ‘but I said 9 pm to everyone’ having forgotten the time dilations and found that two people get there on time, two others have arrived at 9 pm their time which is in fact 40 000 years ago and they’re now playing 80 Tokes with a bunch of mumbling cave men (which, to be honest, is often what happens towards the end of the game in any event) and four others arrive not sure if they are their own grandads or not. This can be messy.
Don’t mix up your time and location. If you’re time is wildly out you may be inviting people to a place that either doesn’t now exist, does still exist but in a very different form or has sunk under the oceans as plate tectonics can never be arsed to wait for idiots like you.
Beware of inviting relations as things can get very weird. You don’t want to be playing the game with your mum or dad, but equally playing the game with ancestors from your distant past (once you get beyond the 10’s of millions of years you could be attempting to play the game with a boneless crab, ooze or an irate monkey that had been quiet happy scratching his balls up a tree before you got involved) can cause problems, as can playing with people who haven’t actually been born yet. I know of several time travellers who have been so freaked out playing with their great, great, great, great, great, great grandkids that they’ve sworn never to have kids in the first place. Despite explaining the impossibility of the paradox a number are now confirmed wankers.
Don’t try a cheeky time slip just because you’ve landed on Saudi Arabia. The law of cause and effect may leave you stranded in the no mans land that is Cleethorpes which is a fate worse than death (well, not really, but it’s pretty grim).
Make sure you have enough gear to last the night, particularly if the night lasts more than twelve million years. Seal a bag and put it somewhere safe so that if you do pop over the vortex quicker than the host there will still be something to smoke when you get back. Keep some Tokes aside.
And finally, don’t leave before you go. This is important.
Other than that most time travellers tend to have a really good 80 Tokes session and have the added advantage of being able to tell their mates about the game well before they’ve either played it or heard about it. Result!